I journaled this 5 months ago. Thank you for saving me from this, Jesus. Continue to heal me.
Crying, I fall to my knees in my room. I believe I may have something mentally wrong with me. I have no feeling for anything. I’m trying, but all I feel is extreme anger…hate. It is like the extreme joy I normally feel has been sucked from me. I am a vacuum, an abyss, a dark chasm waiting to consume any happiness that may come my way. I wish I were emotional, felt things the way humans are supposed to. Instead I feel apathy. I feel emptiness. I feel a wall. Literally inside my head….a brick wall, forcing any emotion out. It is evil….does this make me evil?
I have every reason to be in love with life, happy, joyful. But the will to feel this way has escaped me. There is no way I can get it back…it’s running too fast. I am trying but am grasping at thin air. Jesus….save me. I don’t know what is wrong with me. You have abandoned me, Jesus. You have left me and I doubt you even exist. I try. I’ve prayed for months…everyday almost all day long for you to heal my soul. But you won’t. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do in the Bible, to ask for your grace and healing. It doesn’t work. Jesus, please. I beg you. My soul cries out to you. Daddy, rescue me. What have you created me for? It can’t be this despair.
And then, out of nowhere, I see you. A man is walking toward me. I know it’s you, but I’ve never seen you before. I see you and want to shout praises for you. But I can’t. My mouth is bound by something that cannot be torn. Oh Jesus, I long to shout glory to your name. You walk toward me and I feel fear at what you will think of me, A girl bound and broken, captured in my faults, hateful and selfish. I want freedom but cannot imagine how I could ever deserve it in my sin.
You stop a distance away and you gaze at me. I remain on my knees, tears making pathways down my face. I rock back and forth with the emotion inside of me – the emotion of love. I want to worship you. Free me! Your look captivates me with so much love that I see myself radiated in your eyes. I see myself how I could be. I am beautiful through you.
And then you start to walk toward me. Step by step. I see you open your mouth and you start to sing. The air is electric with the notes you sing to me. The song you sing is to me, in fact the song is I! You are singing me into existence, as if you are describing my soul. I can see the notes dancing from your holy mouth, like honey. It is sweet and intense. I shake with the need to sing back to you. Oh Jesus, let me sing!
As you sing, love pours from you and I feel something fall from my back. I look down and a chain is at my feet. Another note of yours hits my ears and I feel lighter and lighter with every melody.
“I have made you and you delight me,” Jesus sings with passion. And in my great excitement I get up, realizing that I am no longer chained down by hate. The binding on my voice falls to the ground and I feel freedom within my grasp. And then Jesus stops singing and looks at me. I do what I have always desired to do - I start to sing. And so I sing and I make notes, melodies I have never uttered before.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.
Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise forever and ever and ever. Jesus!
I now looked back at Jesus and saw he was no longer singing. He gazed on me with awe, his hands raised to his father. “Jesus?” I asked in a question. Tears ran down his face as he stared at me adoringly.
“This is what you have been created for. Sing to me, proclaim my name and pursue me passionately. Because I will forever pursue you, without ceasing, until you are madly in love with me. Our love story will be one for the record books.”
I giggle and start singing again, with love and joy and passion. Like never before.
And in seconds I open my eyes, and I am back on the floor of my room. Jesus was gone, but I knew he was still with me. And I will never stop singing.
Hey, friend! I'm Chelsie!
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